#it is so. so fucking. i dont even know its like physically painful and when i see them talk about it it like ruins my whole day and
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when you are the last existing specimen of your alien race but gets so flustered when it comes to physical touch bc it's a sensation you've never felt before. also it's been millennia since everyoen on your home planet went exist and now you're under the assumption you're being courted by a HUMAN. i loive this. i need to inject this into my BLOODSTREAM
i need 2 take this step by step and i really like the idea of viktor adapting to all his new senses. he has the toddler habit of touches everything and putting it in his mouth, especially because he doesn;t quite know what is considered edible. i think he should give jayce a little nibble. this man doesn't wake up even if the whole world comes crashing down so viktor is deffo...giving his pinky or arm a little humble lick. wonders why it's salty. [he hasnt showered in days]
jayce having to dress viktor is so funny bc he picks some clothes up and gives them to viktor who absolutely has no idea what to do with those and cait is like 'i think you need to help him' and jayce is just muttering under his breath not please and. And. kinda annoyed when viktor doesn't let go of the blanket. little tug of war going on. like what the hell!! that's so against viktor's alien code of conduct!! like viktor scowling at jayce and jayce just scoffs like 'what are you frowning at me for?!' and he yanks the blanket out of viktor's hand,, who immediately sulks while jayce swiftly helps him dress. the sullen look ofc doesnt go unnoticed bc it's as u say..jayce wraps the damn blanket around him immediately which seems to appease viktor immensely.
ALSO LMAO cait: dont sleep with the alien
jayce: I SHANT!!!!
jayce, a while later: but what if in the name of science...
he's attracted to an alien it's so fucking over for him. lights flickering, jayce is like 'sorry i know it hurts' oblivious to viktor having the exact same crisis as him
i need this injected into me im SO SERIOUS. miscommunication trope but jayce has no idea that the lights flickering mean that viktor is So into him, even if his expression betrays very little.
and the thing is. a lot of touching will be done. like jayce doesnt really have a medical background but he's doing checkups bc its not like he can bring viktor to a fucking doctor. he's touching his face, cupping his jaw, very intently watching viktor for signs of pain bc viktor can't talk or say it himself. he very much figures out what pain is when jayce applies pressure to his back and leg and watches viktor contort from the pain. this doesnt result in a gradual flicker but the fucking lantern outside his apartment goes out,, the light BURSTING when v groans in pain and clutches to his leg. i think pain in a human body is x1000 worse and so he's far more receptive to it bc it's a foreign feeling too.
jayce a little freak-out moment who quickly goes to comfort him bc he can imagine that genuinely everything is new to viktor who simple doesn't know how to control his abilities yet in this new vessel + everything must be overwhelming, too. courting gift #2: jayce makes viktor a brace for his injured leg (this fic is just 5+1 the five times viktor assumed jayce was courting him and the one time he actually does)
OKAY BUT TEACHING VIKTOR HOW TO TALK? like they're sitting opposite to each other on jayce's bed,, viktor's bad leg cushioned on a soft pillow. jayce pointing to himself and going 'jayce.' 'j-a-y-c-e' and then he points at various other items to tell their name but also at a bowl of kraft mac and cheese and going 'food' before going back to himself and going 'jayce' and mostly viktor just stares at him and jayce cant help but feel defeat at some point like. 'maybe he isn't as intelligent of a creature as i thought....' so he's rubbing his face, his hair, eyes closed tryign to think very hard about the next course of action before he hears a very raspy 'v....vi-' coming and his eyes snap open and v just,, struggles to use his vocal chords for the first time and conjures as 'vik...tor....' while pointing to himself. and it's the first time in DAYS/WEEKS jayce allows himself to laugh, even if it's in triumph. and the light inside the room flickers when he smiles and he goes to reach out and hold v by his shoulders and goes 'viktor!' and god it's becoming very bright in the room and he lets go quickly like.. 'sorry,sorry. i just. got really excited. viktor. yes. Viktor' and wow there goes the flicker of the light again because how many millennia has it been someone uttered viktor's name. especially like that?
im gonna eat glass
okay so for alien!viktor do we think that jayce was messing with hexcore/tech and that’s what brought viktor into his world? or do we think hexcore is something that pops into existence alongside viktor? or it’s like kryptonite for him??? or something else??? omg my brain is quivering i am so close to abandoning all my responsibilities just to churn out a fic w this concept auuuuUgH 🗣️
me dropping my work immediately after receiving this msg:
ok. Okay. i think . jayce uncovers hexcore/tech and tinkers with it, not knowing that a certain rune sequence in combination with, i don't know, a certain component (time of the day. maybe also blood. whatever it may be. some other artifact they once retrieved, etc etc) triggers it to activate as this one-way passage that pretty much DRAGSSSS viktor to earth in jayce's lab. mayhaps he arrives in a vegetative state as we discussed and comes to be in a span of a few days while jayce studies him/tries not to freak out/refuses to sleep for the entirety of said x days
curious tall alien viktor crawling over jayce......who is sprawled on the floor bc he tripped nd fell in his shock... you know how we as humans can coo on small beings nd just wanna. Touch. that is viktor. jayce also mistakes his thrumming sound for like,, him wanting to Eat/Kill him or smth and tries not to pass out.....vik's long talon-like fingers carefully dragging down jayce's scalp to his face...to his neck......the pad gently pressing into his pulse there bc what is this curious jack-rabbit-y feel.....
anyways...ANYWAYS.. [pulling up a google docs for us]
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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#hhhhh I'll probably delete this later but if i don't physically put these thoughts somewhere I'll maybe explode.#but fuck man. shit sucks fr! I highkey think I can't go to work tomorrow but yknow how it goes!!!!#I'm caught somewhere between finally being taken seriously about my health issues#and having the most wretched mental health crisis#like on one hand fantastic! I'm being taken seriously now its gotten to the point where I cant fucking walk normally#but on the other hand oh my god holy shit. i had to get this bad???? and I'm worried. i know theres shit so much bigger than me rn going on#but I'm worried about my health. especially when I've been trying to deal with it for the better part of like.... 5 years#since i was 19!!!!#I'm 24 and worrying about whether or not I'll actually walk about with 0 pain ever again isn't that fucked.#so that's bittersweet. ive got physio tomorrow. blood tests next week#an ultrasound coming up#its ultimately a good thing im being taken seriously. if not a terrifying acceptance that everything ive been feeling has been real and#well. bad.#and like with this right is the crash of my mental health. just a fuckin nosedive man.#i have a relatively stressful job i felt out of my depth about and thus guilty for but now its a role that I've approached in constant pain#for the last few months.#i can't deal with that actually! lots of stress! lots of pain! lots of mental pain over my physical condition! my job grinding my soul!#aaaaa!!!!!!!#like i dont WANT to be unemployed either#I'd much rather be uhhhh employed! and able to save money towards actually getting Help™#but I've got to admit that i hurt too much. and its consuming my whole fucking brain.#but I'll go on#ive got my first trip out the country solo next week!! im heading to san Fransisco!!! im excited.#but I'm worried for the inevitable moment where my pains catch up with me#ill surpress it while I'm out there. try and remind myself to have a good time. return to the uk and feel a weeks worth of pain#and even THAT sucks to consider#but i should stop#rambles
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Not anxiety? I had chest pain for months, no heart problem but high up over my heart, couldn't stop worrying about making it go away by trying to not worry so it stuck around for longer.
honestly the idea that it's anxiety pisses me off a lot, not the least bit because my anxiety is not nearly so bad as it used to be so why would the chest pain happen now
#and whats the solution. to remain perfectly calm for the rest of my life 😭#to go back on snris/ssris......#my assumption was that if it was anxiety it would be associated with high blood pressure#and heart rate. i cant speak for the latter but my bp is always perfect#did it just now and assuming i didnt fuck it up somehow gave me a resting rate of 62bpm#which is..... wild because i remember it reaching 100 prior to doing the treadmill test#as in i hadnt even started yet. so its possible that it does shoot up quickly at the slightest provocation#so idk. i guess its POSSIBLE its anxiety. but who knows. i want to say it feels like its not#but i suppose those are very much the words of someone who is getting anxiety chest pain -_-#its possible that how anxiety physically manifests has changed since starting T#and that i no longer recognise it........#anon#ask#when u say months how long. did it go away#unfortunately a lot of ppl w similar symptoms online are attributing it to long covid#which again im 90% sure i dont have as im 90% sure ive not had covid#and the rest say could be GERD which it doesnt FEEL like... but it wouldnt hurt to take a mylanta#and see what happens. cos the nitrolingual spray seems to have v limited effect
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#camera talks#i am so fucking envious of people that arent physically disabled#i try to be okay with my disability and sometimes i've even come to terms with it#but when im bedridden because i actually cant move or get up#or when im walking down stairs one at a time. taking me 1-2 minutes to walk down them#while im nauseous and dizzy and genuinely feel like dying#and etc etc#i am so jealous of people who dont go through this#i would give so much to be able to live fucking normally.#its so so painful and there is nothing i can do#and my family Actually doesnt care (they care and take precautions when my mom has them tho. mine are just more-#frequent therefore more annoying to accommodate)#it affects every little bit of my life and i feel fucking crazy#and its not even just my migraines. my general chronic pain is so fucking bad right now and it hurts so bad i cant do anything#i dont know how im going to live like this. i dont know how im going to do the job i want to do#i dont want to deal with this forever but im going to be and i hate hate hate it and im so upset#vent#if it wasnt obvious#sorry im going to bed now. i feel bad
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bloodwork came back normal (derogatory) and its gonna be at least 2 weeks till i can talk to my dr abt next steps, tried to find another clinic to go to but got scared off by bad reviews/my own prior bad experiences for the close ones, the distance/inaccessibility for the far ones, and cant get a virtual appointment anywhere until august, so like. that sucks
#also im experiencing Side Effects from my new meds#not like. dangerous/severe ones#just a headache + the shakes#but still#im so bummed my bloodwork came back normal#like. a few of my values were borderline#enough that i wanna ask the dr abt if they cld be causing/worsening at least some of my symptoms#but they were only ~borderline so like. not bad enough for them to care ig#story of my fucking life#im always considered juuust outside the range of actually needing help#just physically able enough#just smart enough#just healthy enough#that my problems get dismissed#its why i decided during my breakdown last year that i needed to stop insinctively hiding/downplaying my symptoms#not even just around medical professionals#just. in my life#i need ppl to Know how bad it is#so that maybe someone will actually help me#and also so that i dont feel obligated to push myself too far in the name of “keeping up appearances”#anyway#exhausted and in pain and have Bad Brain so im gonna like. crawl into a ball and hope that my pain meds kick in so i can go to sleep#do you know how hard it is to sleep when youre in pain#its very hard#i wish i wasnt in pain#i rly rly do
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#love that when ur stressed and having a bad time it makes ur menstrual pain worse so you feel even more awful#like. yes. id love to get things done but unfortunately i need to go home immediately at 2pm bc i feel physically ill. vibes wretched.#im considering sleep here at 6pm but 2 b fair i think i only slept 4hrs last night. woof. tomorrow is gonna b interesting#i think the allergic reacting is abt over now tho. like im not really itchy anymore. the rash is still visible but i think its just dry now#bc of the cold. so was i ever reacting to the tatto0? or was it all the medication? im so interesting in what happened#would i not have had a reaction if i hadn't got a bunch of holes poked in my skin? or was it just a coincidence#that the rash started on that arm? ugh. so frustrating. and i think the psychiatrist forgot to actually book my appointment from when we#last talked so idk. maybe if i watch t4skmaster over and over it will heal my soul#ay. its all very frustrating. and i still dont have fucking autoclave access. fuck off. just give me the fucking key code#i just wanna pour plates 🫗 lol that actually looks a lot like pouring solid media. i dont wanna have to steal someone else's card to open#the door. who even locks up an autoclave??? they didnt at my old school and u could wheel a body into that thing. im pretty sure it was#bigger than this one. also there's another unlocked on on campus. why?! i ask ppl and fucking no one knows. that's just how it is#ugh. i should go to sleep. my tummy hurt#unrelated
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#i <3 wanna fucking die <3 all the time#all the god damn time i wish i could just kill myself im so sick of it#but noo bc that's like not good in theological terms nooo my best friend would be fucked up noo i cant cause even#more stress to my family but im so fucking tired and done#lifes been exhausting as shit and im sick of it#and on top of all the fucking health issues this useless piece of shit body is going to hell too#like great!! great! abled ppl can often barely manage to make it by in this country and economy or they#get so fucked by work they become disabled lmaoo i already fucking am#i dont want to even fucking try. i dont even wanna try. most of this life has been pain and mystery and wanting to die!#and feeling like im fucking suffocating#and i can go on and on abt how oh u know u live for the little things life is pain inherently it is what it is and whatever but i just#wanna god damn fucking dir#the years of my life when i was the least physically sick were spend being abused and being fucking exhausted to hell and back#now im almost 24 and ive what. barely managed to finish a univerity with a useless degree which in my parents eyes means basically#nothing compared to what i was supposed to do#its too fucking late for anything im too fucking old my health is too bad and i dont have the fucking energy to#do this shit enough to even just get bt much fucking less have it be anything that id even 5% wanna live for
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does anyone know when life is supposed to calm down. does anyone know when it all ends
#im so exhausted.#ive got a fucking annoying headache and i had a nightmare earlier and im just having a bad day#and now im literally dealing with bpd^2 rn like.#my ex is having a really hard time because her moms health is declining and shes being put in a really hard position#and shes horribly stressed out but she feels guilty about feeling like her life is falling apart bc her mom obviously has it worse#and i know what thats like and i know its just going to be hell for her now and i cant fix that#and i just like. god if i could take all of her pain i would#she doesnt deserve the horrible fucking set of cards she was dealt#my nightmare was actually originally that i went to the hospital with her to see her mother#it did not end remotely related to that but it just. yeah not great#also struggling bc i dont know how to handle people i like (separately than her) being in relationships or liking other people#it is so. so fucking. i dont even know its like physically painful and when i see them talk about it it like ruins my whole day and#its so hard to handle these mood swings and like. Have A Life#its why i got off tumblr like i just cant. i cant have all these feelings and still be okay most of the time#it feels like im trying to stay afloat but every day the ball and chain on my ankle gets exponentially heavier#idk. i just like. cant regulate my emotions. whatsoever. clearly#jace.txt
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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it makes me so viscerally angry that rule of rose is like $800-1000 nothing should ever cost that much especially not something that used to cost like $15-20
#I JUST WANT TO PLAY ITTTTTTTT#i know i could emulate but ive never emulated before and its such a hassle#even if i did have the money it would be hard to justify bc of how ass the combat and gameplay loop are#i just wanna experience the story myself and go at my own pace and explore the world#ive watched a lets play but that just cant capture the same feeling as playing it#ough#i wish i was like. not a small child in 2006 and i couldve bought all of these ps2 survival horror titles for $15-20#instead of now having to pay $100-1000 per game for a physical copy#the only reason i own sh2 is bc it was a gift#and i wanna collect 1 3 and 4 when i can financially do so#its just such a pain and so unnecessary#i wish studios would do hd re-releases of these games on pc and ps4 or smth#ones that dont suck ass (COUGH SILENT HILL HD COLLECTION COUGH)#bc FUCK the sh2 remake i just want the og in a format that wont cost me $100-200. unrelated lol sorry#anyway. longwinded way of saying liking ps2 survival horror games is a curse and rule of rose is my white whale#mine
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goddamn i gotta figure out what the hell my horrortale self insert does in the underground. i know everything about their life before that and HOW they get there but i have no idea what the fuck they do once theyre actually DOWN there
also i ran out of tags im saying this here as an addition so you know why they just sorta end abruptly. lol. everyone say thank you to my habit of talking in the tags cause i dont want people to see the shit i say
#cherry chats#i wrote down all their rich lore i dont think i ever posted it and i doubt i ever will#not cause i dont wanna in fact its the opposite but itd basically be a huge trauma dump and theres not a person on earth whod wana hear that#and i also wouldnt wanna subject anyone to that cause its not really their problem lol#not that i mind talking about it or whatever. but still itd put whoever this theoretical person im tellin it to in an uncomfortable position#so eh ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ bottom line is evil shit hospital -> escapes and is chased up the mountain -> jumps down a big hole lawl#but anyway i have no idea what the fuck they do once theyre down there#i mightve said this already but theyre really resilient towards the conditions down there? theyve never eaten real food and they dont feel#hunger (arfid yo 👍) so if you tried to give them proper food theyd be like. i dont know what to do with this ?#and theyre used to the cold cause of how shit that goddamn hospital was so even when theyre going through snowdin barefoot theyre like.#ok this is fine ^_^#theyre also used to physical pain and also theyre on 800 different messed up meds so if they get hurt that hardly bothers them#its like. a numb sort of pain. like the phantom pains you get when you get injured or killed in a dream#they also think sans is really funny even when he tries to get under their skin with morbid humor#their whole existence is basically morbid so theyre just like hehehe ^_^ your funny#BUT NONE OF THAT EXPLAINS WHAT THE HELL THEY DO IN THE UNDERGROUND!!!!!!!!!#i guess for starters theres no way theyd ever wanna go BACK to the surface so jot that down#i guess. maybe since they wouldnt have access to the medication and drugs theyre always on theyd change?#i think theyd go from a foggy detached empty dissociative state to being actually AWARE for once#after theyve been there for a little while maybe theyd even start. brace yourselves. FEEL things#like uh. emotions. and stuff like that#so instead of an empty miserable shell theyd be able to experience excitement or curiosity. or the human emotion called friendship#do they……… live with sans and papyrus? thatd make the most sense i guess#also thats the only place theyd be safe from being eaten alive lol#i guess they could live with toriel? maybe they go back to the ruins after theyve escaped#but then they couldnt hang out with sans and papyrus as much. and thats lame#maybe they live with the skelebros under the guise of being some sort of weird. pet or something#ummm. nah……. thats weird#ok so i guess i dont know what the hell my self insert does in the underground only how they change when they grt there. whatever#its not like im a WRITER. i dont know all this stuff what do you thinj i am omniscient????
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#fUCK 2/3 OF THE DVDS DO NOT PLAY ON MY XBOX IM GOING TO FUCKING SCREAM#its obviously been resealed too there were some smudges so its like idk if theres even anything on the discs now#and its midnight so i cant check if they work on our all regions dvd player downstairs#but even if they work on that one... thats a hard ask of me to sit downstairs and watch anime in front of everyone during the day#its supposed to be a us region but like at this point idk if its an xbox issue or a bootleg issue or a preowned issue#fuck man im gonna have to buy a bunch of pc accessories too then to watch in my room without headphones on#this sucks man i was so excited but the world is just conspiring against me being able to watch this fucking anime#i find more and more things to regret every day of my life#i can take issue with the seller but if i do then i have to return it and its like... more hassle but i only have 2 more days to do that#but guess whos got a LONG FUCKING DAY TOMORROW#delete later / /#vent#ShitPost.exe#srsly like im already mad regardless of whether it works or not downstairs i need to just give up being mad bc the problem is already here#im going to fuckinv slepe im in too muc fucking pain to deal w more stress and now i have more things i have to do tmr#like it hurts for me to sit in a car for 5 minutes. tmr im in the car for 30x2 minutes with physical therapy in between#i dont know how im gonna do it man#i was unable to do shit last time iw as on the car that long#fucking rural ass small town that only has healthcare for rich ppl making me be in pain to get treatment for pain like fuck#hate this shit so much#hate my rural ass tourist town#hate not being able to see a local doctor#hate fucking dvds being so fucking fragile#hate buying shit online when u don't know if itll work (both secondhand and new)#pls just let it work downstairs tmr pls pls pls#ill steal the dvd player for a while and my mom can stuff it and use the other xbox for dvds till i get my own disc drive#pls i just dont want to have to argue my case to possibly return this bc i could be denied and im gonna scream if that happens#and i dont think my back can take the kinda scream im gonna scream if that happens#s2g i was ready to pay 3 digits for a working box set it was too good to be true to get it for less than 20 ugh#(less than 20 including shipping)
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#sigh#another day another medical gaslighting incident#-.-#i s2g i cant remember the last time i had a consult that wasnt just some dickhead ignoring every symptom / word i said#and then blaming all my chronic illnesses & disabilities on sleep / anxiety / weight / being trans etc#dude wouldnt listen to anything other than the sound of his own voice#and Insisted on putting me on a medication i am not remotely comfortable going on bc of oast bad reactions to similar ones#literally was like 'well u can do what i say or u can just figure ur life out and stop being stressed and sedentary all the time'#BUDDY#a) im disabled. being sedentary is not a choice and becoming un-sedentary is not an option#b) my chronic migraines and fibromyalgia r not because of stress. yes stress can make them worse sometimes#but anxiety does not cause or create severe physical conditions and disabilites. ur ridiculous. this is ridiculous#c) 'fixing my life' will not fix my chronically ill and disabled body. what a wild thing to say who tf gave u ur license#and why do u have a job at a pain clinic that specialises in chronic illnesses and disabilities. tf#d) its wildly irresponsible to insist on a medication that's from a family of meds known to cause bad side effects / reactions in a patient#and then ignore them when they tell u they r not comfortable going on that medication bc of that#and then to refuse to discuss alternatives and demand a 'my way or the highway' approach to care#and end in telling the patient they do not care about their health if they don't blindly do as u say when u dont even know them#fuck u dude#i care more about my health than u do. u have known me for 3 minutes and 20 seconds and barely skimmed my file. fuck Right off#and lastly#e) ur a dismissive discriminatory asshole and there's not a chance in hell i will trust a word out of ur mouth#when all u did in that 5 minute appt (THAT U WERE 73 MINUTES LATE TO) was gaslight tf out of me and blame me for all my disabilities#get fucked bro#ur as much of a shithead as every other doctor i've dealt with at that clinic#like the one who put me on said bad medication which caused me to lose half my hair#and then ghosted me as soon as i called to inform her of that and request a med change. its been 8 months & she still refuses to contact me#i've left over 10 messages. i ended up having to go to my GP and a dermatologist who both said to get off that medication asap#which i did. but the telogen effluvium (hair loss due to meds) STILL hasnt bounced back so now im close to balding bc of that shit doctor#and now u want me to go on a med known to cause that even WORSE just bc u feel like it regardless of my well-being? Nah. no. fuck that 🖕👋
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wanna post this on bsky but i risk being found out saying this so ill post this here btw this shits (ha) kinda gross
dude. my boss smells like shit. like pure shit idk if he doesn't wipe his ass or something but my fucking god i stood next to him for 10 seconds and almost died how is he still married
i remember his daughter telling me that when she was a kid he had a Shit Stained Sponge on his shower because he didn't wipe before showering and used the sponge instead and it stained of shit because he didn't wash the fucking thing and also didn't wipe before using it so he probably smeared shit all over his body because of the fucking shit stained sponge im losing my fucking mind he must still have it. also he doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom i know because i can hear when the sink is open
and if that wasn't enough his breath also smells like shit i can't stand speaking with him thank god i interact with him like 5 times a month tops because jesus fucking christ man. why are cishet straight men so fucking gross
#gross#rambles#lowkey rather kill myself than interacting with him#AND HE TOUCHES ME!!!!! WITH HIS PISS HANDS!!!!!!!#HIS PISSY HANDS!!!!!!!#PEE HANDS!!!!!!!!!!#SOMETIMES MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!#(not in an inappropriate way he does it with everyone basically n its for a joke)#(BUT STILL )#i cant just ask him to stop or at least wash after because i KNOW how much men are defensive over thos#this* idk how to edit tags on mobile#anyway. i know because i had to teach my dad to wash his hands at the tender age of 50+#and he still doesn't do it when im around#men are gross!!! thank god im a dyke!!!#like im still kinda gross because i sometimes go 3 days without a shower but thats because#either im feeling too much physical pain to stay standing up for around 10 minutes straight#plus moving around to wash my toes and dry everything#or im too mentally ill to even consider#BUT AT LEAST I DONT SMELL LIKE SHIT#once someone told me i smell like cough syrup so i think i smell like that? for some reason#anyway all men must shower please please please wash your ass#WHEN IM NOT AROUND* my dad doesnt wash his pee hands when im NOT around jesus how the fuck do i edit tags on mobile
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its just me and my daily episodes of blossoms in adversity against the world
#also i just realized we have like 10 eps left which is like less than two weeks before the finale#so you are just taking away my only joy in life like that?? ok#anyways. i cant function without meds but i also dont like being on meds!#my final paper is ass and idk if i can actually graduate atp lol#i mean i know i will eventually but it would be easier without my parents up my ass rushing me because yk you cant take your time when youre#broke and need to work asap! :)#also fucking hate my workplace and colleagues so bad i cant wait for my contract to end#what else have i been up to? in a lot of physical pain and i fear i have some sort of chronic disease xx#so yeah im constantly tired and burnt out and cant seem to catch a break even tumblr seems like sm work these days thats why im inactive#at least i got story of hua zhi because its the only thing i look forward to all day lmao#i dont want it to end yet stop this madness#please i need them to get married and travel together and never enter the palace again#personal
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